tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59162328053332425122024-02-18T20:14:58.818-08:00Behind the ScenesLooking beyond the appearances that show up at church whether in the pulpit or in the pew.Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-81260417848461272482020-03-25T14:39:00.000-07:002020-03-25T14:42:29.087-07:00The Triggered Pastor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">I knew one industry would benefit from the Coronavirus, the porn industry. When people are isolated, antsy and anxious, they want an escape from the pain and stress of their reality, pastors included. Those in the ministry are my clientele. I work with them Monday through Friday. I've seen pastors scrambling these last couple of weeks trying to get their streaming services working because of social distancing. I've heard of some worried about finances. Several are anxious about caring for their congregation in these unprecedented times, and many are turning to porn. Trust me, I know how this works. I used to do the same thing. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Isolation, anxiety, fear, stress, etc. is going to mean an uptick in porn use. And after the experience, there's guilt, shame, despair, and more fear of being found out. It's no fun to feel those things, so why not retreat yet again to fantasy land, forget your troubles momentarily... you can see the cycle. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> We use an acronym called HALTS to help identify triggers: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sad, Stressed, Sick, Shame... (there are a lot of S's). If a client has relapsed, I'll ask "What were you feeling? What was your trigger?" I can imagine lots of pastors feeling angry, lonely, tired, sad, or stressed these days. And porn is there to comfort, to appease, but it also erodes integrity. It blocks authenticity. It betrays a marriage covenant. It hurts a spouse. It breaks God's laws and His heart, and mostly because a good father doesn't like to see his children struggling and enslaved in sin. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I am so thankful for the GOOD use of technology. Because of it, we are able to stay connected to those we help through Telehealth sessions. We are here for you. In 2019, we worked with over 100 pastors, spouses, family members and missionaries, supporting them, equipping them, encouraging them, and offering them hope.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Pastor, are your triggers leading you to porn? It's time for your healing to begin. Give me a call in confidence at 408-890-6306 or email me at m2mmissions@gmail.com. Let's connect. I know you're scared, but authenticity and integrity feel way better than anything found in fantasy land. I'll be waiting. </span>Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-90382003923199685232018-01-12T18:00:00.000-08:002018-01-12T18:00:53.041-08:00Pastor Sins. Church Applauds <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Did the title catch your attention? Its a variation of the headline many news outlets are using to get you to click and read their articles about a pastor, Andy Savage, who admitted to a "sexual incident" that happened 20 years ago with a 17 year old girl, a student in his church where he was a youth pastor. I want to slap the media on the hand for the way they're wording the titles to their articles because that's not exactly how it went down. But they have to sell their story, fair portrayal or not. And it did get you to click on my post.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Though I definitely want you here to read this, I'm not trying to sell a story. I want to find and offer solutions to the problem that faces many churches, pastors, and congregants, some which are seemingly invisible, and some destined for the headlines.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I'm not going to re-hash the whole story I've alluded to here. If you Google it, you will find it and can conclude what is fact, opinion, perspective, etc.. Heaven forbid I report "fake news." But let's learn from what is not disputed:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">A youth pastor had a sexual relationship with one of his students. He was 22, she was 17. He says it was consensual, she says she was coerced. Whether an actual law was broken (because the age of consent in Texas is 17 where they resided at the time), a moral, ethical, and spiritual law definitely was. I'm a bit disillusioned that Pastor Andy went from making a public confession to his church admitting his sin and sorrow over the situation, and committing to help foster healing and moving forward for all involved (which is what the church was really applauding, not the indiscretion itself, and the fact that they love him caused them to give an ovation), to going on a radio talk show and claiming it was a consensual act. He abused his spiritual authority over this girl. Calling it consensual minimizes his responsibility in it and places blame on her. He was the 22 year old pastor, she was the 17 year old student. Law or no law, he bears way more of the burden here, and churches and pastors need to take the following into consideration:</span></li>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Texas. Penal Code Chapter 5. <a href="http://www.statutes.legis.state.tx.us/SOTWDocs/PE/htm/PE.22.htm" target="_blank">(22.011)</a></span><br />
<blockquote style="margin-left: 42.703125px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Title 5. Offenses against the person.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-left: 42.703125px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Chapter 22. Assaultive Offenses.</span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sec. 22.011. Sexual assault.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-left: 42.703125px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">(b) A sexual assault under Subsection (a)<strong>(1) is without the consent of the other person if:</strong></span></blockquote>
<blockquote style="margin-left: 42.703125px;">
<span style="font-size: large;">10) the actor is a clergyman who causes the other person to submit or participate by exploiting the other person's emotional dependency on the clergyman in the <em>clergyman's professional character as spiritual adviser</em>…</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: large;">This leads to the next teaching moment:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Pastors, leaders, churches, know what your state law is regarding sexual offenses by clergy AND volunteers. The young lady claims she went to a pastor on staff at the time and told him what happened. Eventually, Andy was let go from the church, but the authorities were never called. Many church leaders are paralyzed by fear when an allegation comes to light and, thusly, take matters into their own hands thinking they can handle it. As a result, many churches have had to deal with massive legal ramifications because they didn't know the law and they didn't call the authorities. The pastor the young lady reached out to has been, 20 years later, placed on leave from his current church position as an investigation has started regarding how he handled the situation at the time. Know the law and obey the law. Repenting of sin isn't going to pay your legal fees. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: large;">Pastor, if your church isn't addressing sexual issues beyond saying "Don't do it," it is high time to start. 7 out of 10 of your male congregants are struggling with pornography. 1 out of 3 women are visiting adult websites. And it affects the spouses. And teenagers are forging the chains of addiction through their cell phones. The vast majority of your congregation is being harassed by this silent epidemic. Here's another way to come to the realization that this is an imperative issue: If you have a staff of 6 male pastors, 3 of them, give or take, are struggling with sexual acting out behavior, most commonly porn and masturbation, and sometimes beyond (I've heard it all until I hear something new). </span></li>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Make no mistake, I love Andy Savage as a brother in the Lord. As much as I want healing for his former youth kid, I want it for him as well. This is what I do. I work with pastors, missionaries, and their spouses who have been tripped up by these devastating issues. And I also want to be part of the solution to the problem. A friend on Facebook replied to a post of mine and said he wished something like this wouldn't happen again. It will, but we can remedy it by addressing sexual bondages in the church BEFORE it becomes a headline. If you yourself are struggling with sexually acting out through porn, fantasy and masturbation, or beyond, please email me: missionariestoministers@gmail.com, or call 408-890-6306. All correspondence will be kept confidential. And if you're ready to show your church there is help and hope for dealing with this problem, contact me to come speak and I'll share my story of brokenness, recovery, and healing. Check out my wife's and my story at missionariestoministers.com. There is hope. I'm living proof. </span></div>
<br />Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-88012487185919949412017-11-29T11:25:00.000-08:002017-11-29T11:26:16.223-08:00The Mighty are Falling<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Tinseltown is experiencing a takedown like we've never seen before and the "victor" is sex. Ever since Harvey Weinstein, a huge Hollywood mogul, was exposed by a New York Times article last summer, one by one, others have fallen from their celebrity pedestals. Oscar winning actor Kevin Spacey, respected journalist Charlie Rose, beloved news anchor Matt Lauer... There are more and there will be more. I'm thankful the victims have had the courage to come forward and are not being silenced by the pressure of powerful titans in the industry.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> The questions that is always on the minds and lips of those closest to these people are "Why?... How?" There are many ways to address this, but in my work with men and couples who have been affected by sexual acting out and infidelity, the answer to those questions is found deep down inside. Why would a married family man betray his wife, break his wedding vows, live a secret life, and risk losing it all by behaving this way? He's medicating pain. Something has to be driving him to act contrary to his morals and belief systems. Digging even deeper to find the answer, I would wager that the majority of men who engage in risky and harmful sexual behavior have a need to feel like a man. Honestly, what makes a guy feel more manly than being seen as a virile, sexual stud who is wanted and desired? These men struggle with their self image, with insecurities, they don't feel affirmed as a man, so they turn to fantasy where they can be anyone they want with anyone they want. They use women to feel powerful, but it's really medicating pain. And the clues that contribute to this behavior can be found in the past, in childhood.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I would say 85% of the men I work with have father wounds. He was overly strict, he was abusive, he was absent emotionally or physically, he didn't talk to them about sex, he didn't teach them how to treat a woman and he didn't usher them into manhood. Any one of those realities or any combination can contribute to stunting a young man's emotional and sexual maturity. So, when these broken little boys entered adolescence and discovered sexual things, it became a coping mechanism rather than being an act of intimacy, thus the beginnings of their intimacy disorder. In his book <i>Fathered By God</i>, John Eldredge writes the world is full of broken little boys walking around in grown men's bodies.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Sex is powerful. It was designed to be, but when awakened prematurely and used improperly, it's power is devastating. And when it's used to feel manly, it is a band aid for a much more serious wound that needs intense healing. It's not simple to overcome, but it is possible. I'm living proof, and I work with others who can say the same. It takes professional counseling to guide someone through their past and find the clues, it takes recovery which is a beautiful word, it takes accountability, effective accountability with safe people who can hold a confidence and speak the hard truth in love, it takes breaking through denial, it takes owning the behavior and making amends to those they've hurt, it takes admitting weaknesses and surrender. But on the other side of all that, there is redemption, restoration, healing, and through it all, there is hope.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I hate that there are victims and casualties because of a man's brokenness. My heart breaks for them knowing what they will have to endure because of someone else's bad choices and behavior. And my heart breaks for the broken little boys walking around in grown men's bodies. I'm here to help them take ownership of their behavior and make amends to those they have hurt, and I'm also here to hold out hope.</span>Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-54536313832902942622016-08-30T11:12:00.000-07:002016-08-30T11:13:26.489-07:00A-Scared of A-ddiction<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I am a recovering sex addict. I have no problem saying it. When I speak and include that piece of information, people usually aproach me after and say I'm brave to do so. I don't necessarily feel brave. I feel liberated to be able to admit it. I think the reason people assume it takes so much courage to make a confession like that is because most people are afraid of the word "addiction."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> When someone contacts our office for help with something like habitual pornography use, the first thing I have them do is take a sexual addiction screening test (click <a href="https://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php">here</a> for the test). Usually they are surprised by the number if it registers in the zone for sexual addiction because they never would have thought they were an addict. I get that. I never would have called myself that before recovery either. I had a pre-conceived idea of what an addict was and I did not fit that bill. And a "sex addict"? Isn't that someone who needs sex like 6 times a day and has multiple partners and does kinky stuff?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Addiction is present when someone engages in repeated behavior, usually in secret, that would be harmful if found out by others, and contradicts one's morals and belief systems. For example, a pastor who looks at pornography is exhibiting addictive behavior. And that was me 10 years ago. I was on staff at a church, I was the youth pastor. Every February we would have our Love and Dating sermons, our "sex talks," but I was preaching one thing and living out another behind closed doors. It wasn't every day, sometimes I would go months without slipping, but I would eventually return to my drug of choice because of the power of pornography and the vice grip of addiction. I prayed for forgiveness often, but looking back I now realize I was walking around in a lot of forgiveness but not a lot of freedom. Being "diagnosed" as a sex addict allowed me to get the help I needed because I started calling it what it was. Thank God. Once I knew what I was dealing with, I was able to finally experience genuine healing and trade in my cycle of temptation, acting out, despair, asking forgiveness and then starting all over again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I had a disagreement with someone over an article on addiction that was posted on Facebook. A friend, actually, who is still my dear friend to this day proving friendships can survive Facebook debates! The author of the article was claiming addiction isn't real and the comment that followed the post said "I don't see how attending a 12 step group and speaking curses over your life is helpful for any Christian." First of all, no 12 step group that I have ever attended has had us speak curses over our lives. And if he was referring to the greeting some groups utilize, "Hi, I'm Shane, recovering sex addict," that is not a curse. That is breaking through denial. That is finally being real with yourself. That is a reminder of the issue that is at hand and if I call it what it is, I'll get the proper treatment for my condition. It keeps people humble (a great thing according to the Bible). It keeps people aware, it makes people grateful. It develops a bond with others struggling and fighting the same fight (by the way, no one is forced to use that greeting or label. Completely up to the individual).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> The bottom line is this: I have never been more free than when I admitted I was an addict. I would much rather live with the label of addict (though that label doesn't define me), than living in denial and NOT calling myself an addict as I limped along in life and marriage. If calling myself an addict allows me to finally and genuinely live out verses like whoever is in Christ is a new creation, the old is gone, the new has come, then so be it. Before recovery, that verse for me was more wishful thinking than reality. I no longer walk around in forgiveness. I, at last, walk around in forgiveness AND freedom. I'm not scared of addiction. I won't be scared of something that doesn't master me anymore.</span><br />
Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-67899052626622261402015-09-16T15:26:00.002-07:002015-11-28T20:30:56.660-08:00Deadly Shame<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">John Gibson was a pastor and seminary professor who also happened to have his name on the list of customers that utilized the Ashley Madison website, a "business" that is all about connecting people to have an affair. A few weeks after the site was hacked and clients information was dumped and made public, Pastor John Gibson killed himself, leaving behind his wife and two kids. His wife said it wasn't something they couldn't have worked through, and there was forgiveness for this betrayal, but Pastor John couldn't extend the forgiveness that he preached and taught about to himself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I've read hateful words directed at the patrons of the Ashley Madison website. People have equated karma with female dogs in regards to these unfaithful low-lifes. Even Dr. Phil has wished for them to get what's coming to them. But should any of these cases end in death? Not that Dr. Phil implied hoping for such doom, but many want them to pay dearly for their actions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I get that. People have been lied to, betrayed, led to believe life was one way when it was really another. They are hurting, their trusters have been demolished, lives turned upside down. My wife equates it with their personal Twin Towers crumbling. It is traumatic. And they deserve healing, the truth, and amends. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I see the perpetrators a little differently. Yes, their actions caused devastation, major riffs in relationships, and for those who are of a certian faith and "men of the cloth," the label "hypocrite" is very appropriate. However, I see brokenness in the Ashley Madison patron, especially among those who call themselves pastors. There are deep wounds that would cause one to behave in a way that is contrary to their morals and belief systems. There has to be major pain that would cause them to risk, at the very least, hurting their spouse, and at the worst, losing their marriage and ministry. But people who are broken can be restored. Marriages that have imploded can be rebuilt. Lives can be redeemed, if one is willing to work for it. That is the business God has called my wife and me to. And He is a professional Redeemer. We are priviledged to witness it in the couples we counsel, and we have experienced it fisthand in our own lives. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I am constantly praying for the minister who hasn't received yet the help he/she needs. Unfortunately, most people don't reach out unless they're caught. But I believe for every broken person that comes into the light, there are 50 you don't see. And we are waiting in the wings to be of assistance.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I'm praying the Holy Spirit will use this post to bring someone into the process of redemption and break the powerful hold that deadly shame can have on one's soul. Broken lives matter, too.</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.missionariestoministers.com/"><span style="font-size: large;">www.missionariestoministers.com</span> </a></div>
<br />Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-11747677654294999832015-06-11T22:49:00.001-07:002015-06-12T09:54:49.768-07:00Looking For Dad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am reading Andre Agassi's memoir. It is compelling. It all starts with his fractured relationship with his dad. The further I get into the book, the more I am convinced he could be one of my clients. I haven't finished it so I do not know if there is any kind of resolution between Andre and his demanding, controlling and unaffectionate dad, but thus far in the book, he looks for a caring, compassionate, loving father figure in anyone who has the potential. And when he does find those characteristics in a surrogate, it is like manna from heaven to him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I work with pastors, most of them dealing with sexual addiction issues, which is the symptom of the real problem. And with practically every man I work with, there is a dad wound, a void. It is always part of my treatment plan to explore the client's relationships with his parents, especially his dad, because behind the walls of the house they grew up in lies at least part of the answer to why they are stuggling today. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> I ask them to tell me about their dad and almost all of them start with some sort of family loyalty statement: He was a good man, a hard worker, etc.. I'm glad they have that impression of him and that they want to honor him. However, at this juncture in our journey together, it doesn't serve our immediate purpose. We're trying to find the cracks, the negative impressions, the wounds that have contributed to pornography use or habitual masturbation or an affair and beyond. I tell them this is not about blame, it is not about bitterness, and it is not about dishonoring their fathers in any way. It is about that little boy getting to receive healing around the wounds that were inflicted on him regardless of how hard working and honorable his father was. Honor, respect, and feeling pain from the past can co-exist but usually that very honor and respect keeps men from getting in touch with that pain because they don't want to feel like they're betraying their father and are still seeking his approval. Numbed pain gets treated someway, somehow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Habitual use of pornography is not just about sexual perversion, it is about medicating pain. I walk the path to the past with each man I work with to see as specifically as we can what was inflicted at such a young age that they would feel the need to secretly behave in a way that is contrary to their morals, belief systems, and their marriage vows. And there's always some sort of fracture, yet it got numbed, stuffed, because as kids, all we're trying to do is survive whether we have the proper tools to be healthy about it or not. If we don't have them, we'll come up with them. But we were just kids, so our tools are crude and ineffective for the long term. That's why a boy needs a dad to show him the way, but if Dad wasn't present to guide him or was actually the source of pain or sent a perpetual harmful message, the boy has to find alternate ways to cope and survive. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Many men struggle with pornography because in their fantasy they can be as manly as they need to feel. It is a dad's job to teach his son how to be a man, what a true man is. If he didn't do his job and was actually counterproductive, this void can be filled by fantasy and pornography when someone's sense of manhood takes a hit. Temptation to act out sexually and immorally is actually a pain flare up. But that pain has been covered up. Men are so out of touch with that pain that they just go for medication, the porn, the fantasy, the escort, the affair partner, whatever meets that topical need because in that moment, they can feel as manly as they need to feel. For many, I see their unhealthy choices as the result of a little boy looking for his dad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> G. K Chesterton once said, "Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God." I've seen that played out in the lives of the men who sit on my couch in my office or that I Skype with. There is an unmet need, a gaping wound with a band-aid on it, and the pain has been quickly medicated by sexually acting out but never really treated for what it is or healed, thus a cyclical, habitual pattern of sinful behavior continues. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> The great news is God is there to heal the wounds, fill the voids, and ease the pain. But do you know what that pain is or where it is coming from? I hear Jesus asking the blind beggar, "What is it you want me to do for you?" And the afflicted man told him exactly what he wanted healing for with no generalities. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> Maybe you don't know exactly what it is that's causing you pain so you can't be as specific, but I believe Jesus is there to touch that precise area in your soul that has been wounded for far too long. I hope you'll look for your Father in the right places. There is so much hope. </span></div>
<br />Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-63695210610797470942015-02-08T21:38:00.000-08:002015-02-09T10:45:14.968-08:0050 Shades of Confused <span style="font-size: large;">My title for this article doesn't make sense, but that is the way I feel about society's acceptance of a pornographic movie being released this week, "50 Shades of Grey." I was hoping, by some miracle, that the movie would flop, sending a message to Hollywood that we don't want more of that kind of depraved film making and that the SpongeBob movie would take first place again this Valentine's Day weekend. Alas, I just read that pre-ticket sales for "Grey" are astounding. Instead of sending a message to Hollywood, they are sending a message to us: You are a bunch of voyeurs and we're going to capitalize on it. Yes, I said, voyeurs. What else would you call it? "Grey" is rated "R" by the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) for "strong sexual content including dialogue, some unusual behavior and graphic nudity, and for language." We're not okay with a peeping Tom lurking in our neighborhood and enjoying a view through somebodies bedroom window unbeknownst to the victim, as we shouldn't be, but we are okay with people paying 12 bucks, walking into a movie theater and watching sexual exploits, "unusual behavior" and "graphic nudity." Confusing. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> One of the stars of the movie was quoted in an online article as saying something to the effect of, "Don't pass judgement until you've seen the movie." Flat out, I do not need to see this piece of... film to judge it. The MPAA has already summed it up for me. It would not be good for my soul or my marriage to be a consumer of this phenomenon. But, still, I will judge it. Better yet, I will assess it, or at least where we are as a society when it comes to sexual health.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I am a certified sexual addiction specialist with the IACSAS (International Association of Sexual Addiction Specialists). I have experienced personally what pornography can do to a marriage and I am now committed to helping others who's lives have been rocked by sexual addiction. I read an article on CNN.com about teens and pornography use. In it was the statement that viewing pornography was "normal and natural." Reading those words caused head-shaking on my part. Is it normal and natural to have an intimacy disorder because fantasy has over-ridden reality? Is it normal and natural to have a spouse experience post traumatic stress when she discovers her husband has been consuming pornography? Is it normal and natural to experience sexual impotency in real life relationships because of the frequency of self-gratification that pornography provides?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Anyone who buys a ticket to "50 Shades of Grey" is a consumer of pornography and exhibiting voyeuristic tendencies. Now, one could argue that consuming pornography and being "legally" voyeuristic are not harmful, but I know the effects of these behaviors, as noted above. I have seen lives destroyed, marriages shattered, jobs lost, and futures altered because of the "normal and natural" role pornography plays in a person's life. I even conducted the funeral of a young man who had killed himself, and countless sexual images and pornographic paraphernalia was found on his computer after his death. Think I'm being overly dramatic? Can pornography really cause someone to commit suicide? I firmly believe it can be a contributor when mixed with depression because there are extreme, euphoric highs involved, and very low lows. Pornography destroys lives. I cannot be convinced otherwise.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> In the movie "From Here to Eternity" there is a scene in which two lovers are famously kissing on the beach when the tide comes in and splashes over them. That is uncategorically one of the most romantic clips in cinema history. The reality of that situation would be salt water getting in orifices and sand infiltrating swimsuits. It is Hollywood. I shudder to think what will actually occur when people see the 50 Shades movie and try to attempt some of the activity displayed on the screen. Do not forget, this is a production with <i>actors playing a part </i>that they have been paid huge sums of money for. They were cast because they are attractive people and are creating a piece of <i>fiction. </i> I predict disappointment when it doesn't play out the same as it did for Mr. Grey and what's her name, anger and frustration if someone doesn't want to give it a go, actual physical pain that was in no way pleasurable, and feelings of being abused and for very good reason.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> The popularity of "50 Shades of Grey" isn't a reflection of how far Hollywood has gone, but how far we've come since it is our dollars that fuel Tinseltown. If we didn't buy, they wouldn't create (don't hold your breath for an "Ishtar 2"). And since my hopes have been dashed that this movie will flop, I will continue doing what is my passion to do, helping those whose denial has been broken through enough to realize they need help. Maybe I'll stand outside the theaters this weekend with my business cards.</span><br />
Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-5712022793052867202014-12-19T13:37:00.001-08:002014-12-19T13:55:39.584-08:00The Cosby Dilema <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Several women have surfaced and re-surfaced alleging that America's beloved and now beleaguered Bill Cosby drugged and sexually assaulted them. This isn't Mr. Cosby's first go-round with such accusations. Almost a decade ago, he was in the headlines for similar reasons. Could it be true that "Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable," our Jell-O pudding spokesperson, the voice of the cartoon character Fat Albert, is guilty of these sex crimes? If he is, I wouldn't be surprised.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> I am not saying that these women are right, I am not saying Mr. Cosby is guilty, I have no evidence to determine such things. What I'm saying is, if it turned out to be true, it wouldn't shock me. I am not taken a back by anyone's shattered persona anymore, because that is how sex addiction works. Someone who is caught in the throes of sex addiction often has a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde existance. And to be able to live with himself, Dr. Jekyll has to be in deep denial about Mr. Hyde. Acknowledging that Hyde-like behavior is real is too painful, too conflicting so there has to be a seperation of the two personalities to be able to co-exist in the same head and heart. The longer the bad behavior has been present, the deeper the denial, which literally makes it impossible for the sex addict to be truthful. And the more there is to lose, the deeper that denial goes.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> This is the case for many pastors. They can preach the word of God with great conviction on Sunday mornings, but on Monday they are locked in their office looking at pornography. And for others, justification has taken them down the path of adultery, but the price of coming clean is too high; their ministry, their livelihood, their marriages, they fear, would all be gone. So they dig deeper into that cavern of denial. They are fooled into thinking that living a lie is easier than living in the freedom of truth. And some have been in the throes of sexual addiction so long, they simply do not have the capacity to be truthful. That is why many people have to be caught before change can happen. It doesn't have to be that way, but, sadly, that's the way it is for many.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Before recovery, I fooled myself into thinking that because I hadn't spoken any lies to my wife, I wasn't lying to her. But not being forthright about my secret sins was leading her to believe things were one way when they were really another. That's deception, and that is living a lie. Not at all what God wants for His children. Thinking I wasn't lying to my wife was one form of denial present in my life. Denial is powerful. It gives us a sense of safety. We use it to protect ourselves from painful truths and realities. But what denial really does is keep people stuck and removed from a genuine life and authenticity.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Someone may be reading this article right now with denial walls erected all around them. I say "sex addiction" and they think "not me." So, when is addiction present? When there is repeated behavior that is contrary to one's morals or belief systems, usually done in secret, and if it was found out, it would cause great pain to loved ones. Is there a combination of any of these elements in your life? If so, God is calling you out from behind the walls of denial. There is hope. Living an authentic life is so much better than living in deceit with secrets, no matter how high the cost seems in being truthful. Nothing good grows in the dark. There is healing to be had but you need to step out into the light.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> For help, visit us at <a href="http://missionariestoministers.com/">missionariestoministers.com</a> or email us at missionariestoministers@gmail.com</span><br />
Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-65899377137309976532013-05-05T08:33:00.000-07:002015-06-11T23:04:49.479-07:00The Pastor and the Pedestal<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<h2 align="left" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 110%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> </span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT2fxiBDmMOc-bub4fpMiJJMua1q630oXCO9CGtz0GUpccK77YRoF18LBRtx2UIMF6AM6OyX_dzLFqBzdw784v8ZDzHMjfx8p5GfhoVen4tA0TaOY3z5b_sx8DWZ-NTzm53Z-4uKnMNwhZ/s1600/pedestal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT2fxiBDmMOc-bub4fpMiJJMua1q630oXCO9CGtz0GUpccK77YRoF18LBRtx2UIMF6AM6OyX_dzLFqBzdw784v8ZDzHMjfx8p5GfhoVen4tA0TaOY3z5b_sx8DWZ-NTzm53Z-4uKnMNwhZ/s1600/pedestal.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 110%;">Whether they
climbed up there themselves or were given a boost, pastors usually find
themselves on a pedestal.</span><span style="line-height: 110%;">
</span><span style="line-height: 110%;">Even if
a pastor tells his or her congregation that they are a sinner saved by grace
like everyone else, it is hard for a congregant to believe that. Pastors are
usually only seen by their parishioners on Sundays, elevated on a platform,
wearing their Sunday best, hands raised in worship and preaching the Word of
God. It is difficult for someone sitting in the pew to relate to that perceived
perfection. And it makes it hard for the pastor to find a safe place to go when
the pedestal starts to teeter.</span></span></span></h2>
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<br />
<h2 align="left" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 110%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The title of pastor and the perception of the congregation or staff does
not prevent the reality of struggling, brokenness and temptation in the
minister’s life. A sermon may address the hurting, but who is addressing the
hurting preacher? The church is filled with broken people, and so is the
pulpit. <o:p></o:p></span></span></h2>
<h2 align="left" style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 110%;"> </span><span style="line-height: 110%;">Many pastors are
guilty of not practicing what they are preaching. They encourage their
congregation to take care of themselves and make sure there is time for a
Sabbath, but their own calendar runs them ragged. They preach on nurturing a
loving marriage relationship, yet their own spouse is feeling neglected and
resentful. They warn of the dangers of sexual immorality, yet many are secretly
struggling with purity themselves. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></h2>
<h2 align="left" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 110%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We are all broken people. We just have different details. Healthy
pastors are not “unbroken,” they just know where to go to deal with that
brokenness. Healthy broken pastors have safe people in their lives that they
are currently and frequently talking to. I heard one pastor say he has a group
of people he can go to and they are allowed to ask the tough questions, but I
thought to myself, “Are you going and are they asking?” And sometimes, good
friends are not enough to help a pastor deal with deep seeded issues that have
not been properly addressed and have been buried because the pastor is the one who is
expected to have it all together. Professional help is available and often
times necessary to provide a safe place for growth and healing. <o:p></o:p></span></span></h2>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "News Gothic MT"; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">God wants all of His children to be healthy in
their brokenness, including pastors. If the mantle of the ministry is hindering
personal growth and healing, take a leap off the pedestal and find a safe place
to land before it topples.</span></span><!--EndFragment-->
Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-38293110645504843862013-01-08T23:04:00.000-08:002014-12-19T13:56:49.053-08:00Is Your Bio Authentic?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gTrUtdjuwYMWph7GWYqczpwK1eDZcgAXnlpsGrfgzCJRhf-jfcUqlVz-pSXweyC42NvHfUC2M1tTjqcIi2Uh7uKu7g4EqM0JoSaL1kBGT2j7i7WDfjm8ityvfTtVinEfG5xDSN4BUWvi/s1600/page-header-about-us.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gTrUtdjuwYMWph7GWYqczpwK1eDZcgAXnlpsGrfgzCJRhf-jfcUqlVz-pSXweyC42NvHfUC2M1tTjqcIi2Uh7uKu7g4EqM0JoSaL1kBGT2j7i7WDfjm8ityvfTtVinEfG5xDSN4BUWvi/s320/page-header-about-us.jpg" height="73" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I look at a lot of church websites in my day to day routine, and I was perusing a particular one when I noticed a pastor's bio. His enthusiasm was infectious. He declared he was thrilled to be serving with this congregation and that God was going to do incredible things through his ministry. He seemed genuine. He sounded like he meant every word. Little did I know that this particular pastor and his wife would end up in our counseling office painting a picture that was nothing like the website bio.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Sitting before us was a broken couple. Their marriage was struggling. He was burnt out on ministry. The pressure he felt was getting unbearable for him, for both of them. As I listened to him share, I realized that many pastors and spouses are in the same situation. Their church website bio may say what's expected, but behind closed doors, their hearts are expressing something completely contrary to what the church sees. Their sermons are well-crafted and exquisitely delivered while their spouses sit on the front row listening attentively, but back at home it's a completely different scene. There are arguments, or worse, perpetual silence. They parent as best they can, but in the bedroom, they are merely roommates.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> Pastor, what would your "about us" tab on your <i>family</i> website say? How contrasting would it be against what is portrayed on the church website or in the pulpit? My prayer for pastors is that they would attain an authentic ministry, that the image projected on Sundays would be a genuine reflection of the private life that is led behind closed doors instead of a cover-up.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> We were not meant to live this life alone. If anything above rings true for you, reach out for help. Find a safe person to be vulnerable with and let healing begin. God's desire is for you to be authentic, and that is our ministry goal as Missionaries to Ministers.</span><br />
<br />
Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-61753252493958127972012-07-24T16:35:00.000-07:002015-09-18T08:12:00.929-07:00The Sheep are Dying!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc-Lnm9F_sdNXK9hf1tSf73qgUIzvHdBWIl7Yix1-Uyz5PjnmNYGnqG7maxPWp0wjRqgDp9-3iaUgAAeXMqa-dCQhCjpKkHrzO2r4i2y6amcknNYn7B5OP3KwkJk-cAb0KZpPon_KWZ0Gg/s1600/sheep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc-Lnm9F_sdNXK9hf1tSf73qgUIzvHdBWIl7Yix1-Uyz5PjnmNYGnqG7maxPWp0wjRqgDp9-3iaUgAAeXMqa-dCQhCjpKkHrzO2r4i2y6amcknNYn7B5OP3KwkJk-cAb0KZpPon_KWZ0Gg/s320/sheep.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="font: 23.0px 'Gill Sans'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 5.0px 0.0px;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span style="font-family: 'American Typewriter'; font-size: 9px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I was in the Modesto, CA area presenting a seminar. As I was pulling out of the parking lot the Lord dropped a phrase into my mind. “The Sheep are dying.” The most reliable stats I’ve discovered say that 70% of Christians, the sheep in the church, struggle with pornography. One in three visitors to adult websites are women. 96% of teenagers have internet access (and we are well aware of the level of self-control teenagers have). This all adds up to a great percentage in the church that are struggling with or have been affected by pornography or some sort of sexual addiction. Sexual addiction is marked by repeated behavior, a constant returning, cyclical sin. The Bible teaches us the wages or payoff of sin is death (Romans 6:23). If Christians are struggling with repeated sin, then something is dying, a marriage, a grasp on reality, intimacy, honesty, a soul... I should know. I was a "repeat offender," and my denial kept me from seeing that my wife was dying on the vine. </span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"> </span>This is one of our hurdles, to get pastors to see that their sheep are dying, but this takes seeing the unseen. You can’t see sexual addiction, yet it sits in the pews every Sunday. We hear sermons on gossiping and the importance of tithing (and it is important), but we do not often hear a message on the devastating effects of pornography and sexual addiction, yet these messages would pertain to a high percentage of the congregation. Pastors are always seeking ways to preach more relevant sermons. Believe me, an educated sermon on the trap of pornography and the effects of sexual addiction is highly relevant for the church today. The sheep are dying.</span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> And sometimes the dying sheep is standing in the pulpit. I'm not surprised by anyone's story anymore no matter how they may come across in front of a crowd or at a gathering of pastors. Several who appeared to have it all together have reached out to us proving that they really don't. And that's when healing begins. When the silence is broken, life is breathed back into dying marriages and sickly souls. There is hope... I should know... </span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> This is why our ministry exists, to help dying sheep... and shepherds. </span></span></div>
Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-21949098754339277012011-10-13T21:22:00.000-07:002011-10-13T21:42:32.783-07:00We Don't Do Altar Calls<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-size: large;"> When Marty and I travel to a church and share our story of recovery around sexual addiction, we don't give an altar call at the end. Don't think us unspiritual, but we are not there to expose anybody who may be struggling with sexual sin, but rather to encourage them , connect with them, and hold out hope. That's not to say that we don't talk to several people after a seminar or a sermon. Some boldly approach us, like the woman who bee-lined to me after I was done preaching. This stranger hugged me, and through her tears, thanked me for sharing my story. Her marriage was destroyed by her husband's pornography use, but her gratitude towards us revealed that there was healing happening in her heart.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj9EIOMMFYxJnKKJSgAzkAQg_YGMTnTNgBlLQAPKP7qicOq3-bAulG3Jj8OcmH427Hj-1f_dH6DX_Skb734Tt3qkH47y9s9BfCIMP5oyuWb11cYuQVkiyOz9ZOZltFxes8cxsCyDXMsHXZ/s1600/person%252520pew%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgj9EIOMMFYxJnKKJSgAzkAQg_YGMTnTNgBlLQAPKP7qicOq3-bAulG3Jj8OcmH427Hj-1f_dH6DX_Skb734Tt3qkH47y9s9BfCIMP5oyuWb11cYuQVkiyOz9ZOZltFxes8cxsCyDXMsHXZ/s320/person%252520pew%255B1%255D.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> Another young man waited patiently for us to finish up a conversation. He was a brawny guy, looked like he could hold his own, but he sat there timidly until we were available to talk. He told us that he used to be a bouncer in a strip club, and that job led to him participating in adult films. He admitted he had been completely desensitized to the intimacy that is supposed to be involved in sex. Then he looked at me and with one tear running down his face he asked, "With my past, how is anybody going to love me?" We were there to hold out hope to him.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> After one particular weekend of ministry, we were packing up the car getting ready to pull out. As I was putting our bin in the trunk, another young man walked up to us. Perhaps he didn't want anyone to see him talking to us inside the church for fear of people wondering what his motives were in approaching us. He apologized for interrupting our departure, but I assured him we were there for him. And he began to tell us his complicated story. We listened, encouraged, held out hope, and prayed with him.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> And these individuals represent people who sit in churches all over our country. On the outside, everything looks normal, but behind the scenes is a story that no one would fathom. That's why we do what we do. We share our story of brokenness and healing so that others will know there is hope. Our details may be different, but our God is the same and His healing is available to all His hurting children.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> If anything is taken away from a sermon, a seminar, or a one on one conversation, we want it to be the message that there is hope. We are living proof. So, we don't do altar calls, but a lot still gets accomplished whether it's inside the building or out in the parking lot.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> There is hope.</span>Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-57058035030061929552011-06-06T15:29:00.000-07:002011-10-13T21:32:19.960-07:00The Power of Denial and Compartmentalization<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXVQP89RWVEhiytXnyQyGLxhHe-2bXt7llDb-lg7xac-rbQ2R4UCImqq_GLjaLPuzqXauWlbX_NDXzdsW7SYiuT5619cL_QOz-UYzrjXm6xQghwA5wyeejgJ7CKGuUDlxM1-5MLg4HaGwM/s1600/Weiner_stress3_110606_244x183.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXVQP89RWVEhiytXnyQyGLxhHe-2bXt7llDb-lg7xac-rbQ2R4UCImqq_GLjaLPuzqXauWlbX_NDXzdsW7SYiuT5619cL_QOz-UYzrjXm6xQghwA5wyeejgJ7CKGuUDlxM1-5MLg4HaGwM/s1600/Weiner_stress3_110606_244x183.jpg" /></a></div> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm glad Rep. Anthony Weiner admitted his indiscretions today. I'm not happy about it, but I'm glad because it gives me a chance to address something that has such a hold on so many people, denial and compartmentalization. The married New York lawmaker was caught up in a scandal involving lewd pictures of himself that he sent to some female facebook friends. At first he denied it claiming his account was hacked. But today he came clean.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> In my studies about sexual addiction, I read that someone has to be scared enough to change (or angry or frustrated enough), and for too many men, it takes being caught before a true confession comes out. Why is this? Why do so many men live secret lives when their appearances depict something completely to the contrary? Denial and compartmentalization make it all possible.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Denial is something we develop when we are young. It is a defense mechanism. It keeps us safe from a painful truth. When I was in 9th grade, I still hadn't started showering daily before school. On one particular day, we were taking school pictures. This one kid in line took notice of my appearance and exclaimed, "Your hair's greasy!" I immediately responded with, "It is not!" But it was. He was right, but I was so embarrassed because of his declaration, that I had to defend myself from the painful and humiliating truth. After this incident, I immediately began showering daily.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Rep. Weiner said in his press conference today that he was embarrassed to admit that he was involved in this and he didn't want to bring duress upon his wife. His denial defenses were in full swing.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> He also said, </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"If you're looking for some kind of deep explanation for this, I don't have one except to say that I'm very sorry." May I offer one? Compartmentalization. Men are very good at it. It helps them live out double lives and not go crazy because their actions radically contradict their morals and beliefs. In dealing with my sin cycle, I had to compartmentalize so I could live with myself. When I was tempted to act out, I would leave Christian, Pastor, and Husband Shane over here so I could go do what my flesh wanted to do. I even compartmentalized God, putting Him way up in heaven so I could indulge. I knew He could see me, but He was a universe away in my thinking, even though I was raised to believe that God dwells within us as Christians. And on the journey back from Sinful Shane to Christian Shane, I would ask forgiveness for my sins and then carry on with my normal looking life. </span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Sadly, this is the cycle so many men are trapped in. Denial and compartmentalization are the bars on the prison cell, but silence is the lock. When men don't talk about their struggles, weaknesses and temptations, they stay bound and for many, it takes getting caught to change one's behavior. And in the meantime, they live a lie. That's what I was doing. I never spoke untruths from my mouth, but I led my wife to believe things were one way when they were actually another. That's deceitful. That's living a lie. That's leaving behind a legacy I would never want to leave. And it's all made possible because of the power of denial and compartmentalization. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Brothers, if this is your life, please talk to someone. There may be consequences to telling the truth, but at least you won't have to be living a lie anymore. "Therefore, confess your sins to each other, and pray for each other so that you may be healed," James 5:16. Confession + prayer = healing.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></span><br />
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</span></span>Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-28720289815128636752011-05-17T14:11:00.000-07:002011-10-13T21:33:23.982-07:00Time Hurts All Wounds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEscg9A14OZRuf5DsiOwCy7VjLBiQRr0yKPCs30b1ktFUG9n3cNaaShvdcPsL9otIs7S3e3MYkJwiQPZCFSFZTbUywz_wqH_M8ROcAujkzAKa6IXF-0rbU8d4s8r5DLS7g42_DQXzRA9u/s1600/schwartz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEscg9A14OZRuf5DsiOwCy7VjLBiQRr0yKPCs30b1ktFUG9n3cNaaShvdcPsL9otIs7S3e3MYkJwiQPZCFSFZTbUywz_wqH_M8ROcAujkzAKa6IXF-0rbU8d4s8r5DLS7g42_DQXzRA9u/s320/schwartz.jpg" width="297" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">In light of Arnold Schwartzenegger's recent admission that he was unfaithful to his wife of 25 years and fathered a child out of wedlock, I'm betting what compounds Maria Shriver's pain is how long it took for her husband to confess. For over 10 years, she had no idea what her husband had been involved in. The betrayal is bad enough, but believing things are one way for so long when they are not is salt in the wound.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> I could expound on the former governor's situation, but I'll shift to my own experiences. When I was still struggling with my secret sins, I didn't think I was lying to my wife about it because I didn't tell her any untruths. My mouth was not guilty of lying, but not saying anything led her to believe things were one way when they were actually very different. That was deception, but my denial didn't let me think of myself as a liar because I didn't tell any lies. Looking back on those years, I was living a lie.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> So many people are afraid to let their loved one's know what has been happening because of the fear of hurting them. They assess their spouse's current stress level and don't want to add to the pressure, so they continue to live in a way that is deceptive. In my experience the longer it takes for the truth to come out, the more painful the situation becomes. I've heard wives express after hearing a confession from their husband that what hurt the most was how long it took for them to come clean. The original offense is hard enough to deal with, but fear of consequences leads to living a lie.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> When we're counseling a couple who is dealing with sexual betrayal, we help them set up a parameter. If there is a slip (viewing pornography, etc.), the spouse must be told within a 24 hour period. There is never a good time to admit an offense, but waiting adds to the difficulty of it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> I'm heartbroken for the Schwartzenegger's and the other family affected by this. I prayerfully type this post hoping that it will help someone own their behavior and choose to make things right if need be. The consequences may seem unbearable, but at the very least there is the consolation of being free from living a lie.</span>Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5916232805333242512.post-72086116557079906782011-04-06T13:10:00.000-07:002011-10-13T21:35:12.934-07:00I Was a Two-Faced Pastor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdRTCIdPRX9iddDr6St4XzyBkUXKA00XT1kuDsYR0kjGdsLiZ14WfmXSdWKtjXZh7tLbsDvzvdjIPKPiTohGmiuDD10-95TMgZqYK8zYLYDO4rf0fCGBxk01GFdaKd4NWmDkkup6uO4s3k/s1600/474911-bruce_timm._two_face._001_super.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdRTCIdPRX9iddDr6St4XzyBkUXKA00XT1kuDsYR0kjGdsLiZ14WfmXSdWKtjXZh7tLbsDvzvdjIPKPiTohGmiuDD10-95TMgZqYK8zYLYDO4rf0fCGBxk01GFdaKd4NWmDkkup6uO4s3k/s1600/474911-bruce_timm._two_face._001_super.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 20.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15pt;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;">I've learned that as I share out of my brokenness, it connects with other people's pain and they can relate and hopefully start to heal. I want to state that I am a better husband, father, and minister now more than ever, but the road to today was not easy for my wife, Marty, and me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 15pt;"> Pastors aren't perfect. They're actually human, fallible beings that sometimes make mistakes. They struggle with sin issues and temptation, and sometimes they even give in, perhaps a lot. That was my story, and I didn't know how to change. During adolescence my fantasy world was an escape from the pain I experienced as an awkward teenager and from the dysfunction of family. It came with me into adulthood and eventually into my marriage. I tried to live a pure life. I thought an accountability partner was all I needed but I still couldn’t get out of my cycle of sin. And when a computer entered our home, pornography eventually did too.</span> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 20px;"> </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 20.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: 15pt;"> I would preach about sexual purity but struggled to remain pure myself. I tried to break free. I made promises to God. I made <i>vows,</i></span><span style="font-size: 15pt;"> and I would have streaks of success whether for weeks or months, but eventually I always seemed to return to my cycle of sin and repentance. After asking God’s forgiveness I felt I could go on with my ministry because everybody sins and God does forgive, but this was no way to live the Christian life. Why couldn't I stop a behavior that was killing my spirit and drying up my marriage? Why was I living in direct contrast to my own morals and ethics? I couldn't take it any longer.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 20.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15pt;"> Several years ago, circumstances in my ministry and personal life made me come to grips with my hypocrisy. I confessed everything to my wife. I had been in denial for years but we began, together, the long hard road of recovery. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15pt;"> We're all broken, and this is what my brokenness looks like, but I’m thankful. I’m thankful for a wife who was willing to stand by me as an imperfect man in spite of all the pain I have caused her. And I’m thankful for my God who did some spiritual plastic surgery on me, for this pastor who used to have two faces now only has one.</span> </span>Shane Couchhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05164958764182143462noreply@blogger.com0